An ex girlfriend

So while waiting for Saturday night Skinamax to start I was channel surfing and discovered an ex-girlfriend is now famous!


Judice and I dated my first semester at college, she was on the volleyball team, varsity knitter, and member of the a capella group. I was enamored by her beauty and gentle touch. After I got the balls to ask her out things moved fast and before I knew it, I had fallen in love.

Then, her music got in the way of things and she hit the road to tour across the country. I was devastated and recovered by eating footlongs in the handicap bathroom stall at work. I still choke up every once and a while.



Click here to see my ex girlfriend performing live on PBS!

Nobody likes a Fatty in 2009

So my mom and I were watching General Hospital the other day and I discovered the newest and latest fitness craze coming to a Whore House near you.

Look how happy these girl look! Here is the deal, you go home, call the number I cant post or I get sued, they will help you install the hooker pole er...fitness pole, and then youre skinny.

These girls are doing the "Just Teasing" chapter of the workout video. My sister is REALLY good at this section ( I taught her how to use a boa).


After you've securely installed your metal schlong to the sealing, you can you slip in the Pole Collection strategically split into three skank levels:

Beginner Pole: No experience required, all you need some Crisco for your shaft and the ability to dislocate your jaw.


Intermediate Pole: Work what your mama gave you in a full dance routine!

Pole Fit aka Master Pole: Learn " a whole new way to use your pole."


The success stories really do look legit Jeanne went from a size 18 to a size 8 from using the tapes (and vomiting in her toilet every night). *allegedly*

I am putting my tape in now, I cant wait until Flirty Girl Fitness comes out with a Jenna Jameson routine.

(photos courtesy of flirty girl fitness)

Hump Day Treat

So I have decided Wednesdays are now Hump Day Treats day. You know snacks a cool mom would serve on a platter.





Snacks from the past, present, and future will be discussed.

When I was growing up my mom would wake up, finish last night's Amaretto Sour, and make my lunch. She was very particular about the preparation of her children's meals and this is why all I ate for lunch for 13 years were Lunchables. If my mom had her Irish coffee before making lunch I would even get two!

Sent from the heavens above, I was given an international smorgasbord every week, tacos with salsa for my Tex-Mex taste buds , pepperoni pizza for my insatiable Italian appetite, hamburgers for the Hambergerler in me, and the classic ham and cheese product crackerwhich.
My favorite part was the snack, a Reeses Peanutbutter Cup.

The FDA held Oscar-Meyer's Lunchables partially responsible for the growing obesity rate in America.

Whatever, I was big boned to start with and even though I cant reach my back in the shower my brother showed me how to put a towel on a stick and get under each roll.

A Forgotten Art

The 1980s were truely a time of genius that has been forgotten in a Post-Bea Arthur world.

One example of this genius is the trampoline, a personal springing device made of canvas and spring cords. Used in backyards across America, the tranmpoline was a fun way to exercise!

You know, many of my readers have mentioned living in the city and needing to be more active. Why not get a mini-trampoline? They can fit in your studio, allow you to watch tv while jumping, and if the people under you complain about the noise just invite them up to  jump around. 

Here is a picture of my Aunt Bernice back during her catalog days for JC Penny.

Did yuh know?

So I am totally devasted that my abacus broke while I was trying to figure out many Zac Efron tshirts I could afford and pay my taxes. I popped online and was looking for a new one and I found something even better.

The Canmer Abacus, its an abacus for the blind? Im not really sure how it works, it uses vibrations and fabric. Its supposed to allow the blind to do math just as fast as a vision abled person.

Kudos, I still use my fingers and toes. And PS your abacus may make you smarter but mine is much more colorful.

Welcome Kiddies

Afternoon Bacon-noun- a greasy pleasure providing crispy entertainment and insight.

Today, I thought I would leave you with a picture of me and my high school girlfriend after we were rudely interrupted.